I'll See You Later

The time has come again for us to move on.  This class has been very enjoyable.  The assignments have made me reevaluate myself and how I communicate with others. I want to say "Thank You" to all who has posted comments on my blog and participated in class discussions. I truly appreciate everyone words of wisdom.  I wish everyone well on their journey.  I hope to "see" you all again in our last few classes. My personal email address is trcooke2@aol.com.

Adjourning

The hardest group I had to leave was at my former school.  The pre-k grade level was abolished and I was transferred to another school.  I was at my former school for over 15 years  first as a Paraprofessional and then as a Teacher. I had formed a bond with my colleagues as a family.  I did not want to leave and I did all that I could to stay.  At that time I was ready to change my grade level if that meant I would stay at that school.  I loved the fact that we were a small school that housed only grades pre-k thru 3rd grade.  I loved the way the staff supported each other and I enjoyed watching the children progressed through the grade levels.  I also loved the freedom to teach that we had at the school.  My principal motto was to teach and give the children all that they needed to succeed. As I packed up my belongings and distributed supplies to the staff I felt almost like a kid leaving for college for the first time. Not knowing when I would see my friends and family again.  To help alleviate the leaving process and the sadness that I and others felt we as a staff came together and went out for dinner and drinks.  It was a wonderful "good bye" and a "hello" to new experiences.

I would hope that I would continue to keep in touch with my current classmates through our blogs or other forms of communication.   I have "seen" several of the same people in many of my classes and even though we have not met each other we have in return become familiar with each other.  I do not know what to expect for graduation day.  So hopefully if we take the opportunity to participate in the ceremony we may get the chance to meet face to face finally.

Adjourning is an essential stage of teamwork because it is the time for reflection to acknowledge the pros and cons of the situation and determine what is the next phase.  The next phase can be another opportunity to work together again or to simply part ways or in our case to see each other in future classes.

Conflict Resolutions

Just recently I had to deal with a situation with a colleague who happened to be a "friend".  I have known this person for at least 15 years and we have worked together off and on at various schools.  She is at least 20 years older than me.  We would communicate often, attend lunch etc.  I considered her a "friend".  At this time last year we both started to look into buying a home.  One day we ran into each other at the Laundromat.  During a general conversation I told her I was looking into condominiums in an area that is considered affluent.  Her response was, "They don't want you."  I did not respond to her but kept talking like I didn't hear her. Also, at this time she informed me that she was attending a program that once she completed it she would receive a grant that she can use for a down payment towards a house.  At that time I told her that the program sounds great and  asked could I have the information to see if I qualify too. She never gave me the information.  I had asked her several times and each time she refused to give me any information about the program.  After that day in the Laundromat my feelings we hurt by her comment that "They don't want me."  I felt like she was not being a friend and I didn't fully understand why she behaved that way.  Nevertheless, I continued going through the process of buying my first home. There was two places that I always dreamed of living at.  One was the condos that were located in the affluent area and the townhouse that I live in now. I decided not to move into the condo because it reminded me of my apartment.   I felt like I was placing limits on myself, one out of pride because I wanted to prove something to my "friend" and because I was scared of coming out of my comfort zone. Plus the association fee was crazy.  The condo was 2 bedroom 2 bathrooms.  My townhouse has 3 bedrooms, 2 1/2 baths, front and backyard, a basement and a den.  Both places were the same price.  Anyway, for several months, my "friend" had been trying to contact me.  I admit I was not answering her calls, emails etc.  Part of me did not answer her because I did not want any negativity around me.  The ordeal of buying my first house  and moving from a place that I had lived in for 18 years was scary, exciting and frustrating enough and I was scared she was going to say something to deter me. Plus, I did not want to be bothered with the issues at that time. However, I knew we were going to eventually run into each other and this past Saturday we did.  She asked me what did she do.  I explained how I felt and informed her that I did move and am very happy.  She apologized and said she didn't mean it that way.  She even cried.  She also informed me that she tried to inquire about the condos and was told that she did not qualify.  That explained her behavior in the Laundromat. However, her situation was not the same as mine.  We are in two different income brackets, she is a Paraprofessional.  I could have told her ahead of time that she was not going to be able to afford to live there.  Anyway, I apologized for ignoring her. We stood around and talked for awhile about different issues with our job. We ended our brief meeting with I'm sorry hugs and kisses.  I thought we had ironed out our issues and for me I was done.  I gave her my address and phone number and welcomed her over to my house.  Well, a week later I got a letter in the mail from her.  Saying she did not intentionally mean to hurt me and she is not a jealous or envious person.  She declined her invitation to my house and feel that I will always look at her differently.  Personally, now I look at her differently because the words jealous or envious never came out of my mouth.  As far as I knew the issues were out in the open and we had ironed them out.  I felt as if she was trying to throw the blame on me.  In my opinion she was not supportive as a friend from the beginning.  I think if it was the other way around and she would have moved first she would have been happier. 

I would love for your opinions of how you think I should handle this situation.  

From our studies this week I believe I need to use the four components of the NVC and the three R's.  I say this because it is so much emotions involved with this situation.  Eventually we may be able to come to a compromise but at this time I truly doubt it.  I say that because if me buying a house caused all this drama, then how can we be friends if we can't celebrate each other successes.  If the situation was different I would have help her.  We could have walked through the process together.  Maybe my realtor would have known other programs that could have benefitted her.  

Communication Evaluations

As I review the evaluations from the previous assignment I was surprised that each of my participants scores were in close range to the scores that I received completing the same evaluations.  For the verbal aggressiveness my average score was 51 which placed me in the low category. This category states that I am respectful of the viewpoints of others and intelligence of others, and attempt to change their minds with gentle, inoffensive suggestions that do not attack their self-concept. I agree with this statement because I personally do not like conflict. At times, I think this can be a down fault because others perceive this as a weakness and tend to try and take advantage of me.  There have been incidences in my personal and professional life that I believe I should have stood up more for myself.  Instead, I choose to almost take the easy way out and let the person believe and say  whatever they wanted even though I believed they were totally wrong.  However, I noticed that when I am pushed to a certain limit I tend to fly off the handle and become overly expressive then it takes me time to calm down.

In the next next category, Communication Anxiety my average score was 44 which places me in the mild category.  This category states that I feel uneasy in some communication situations and somewhat more confident in other contexts.  Communication does not seem to be something that you worry a great deal about.  This is totally true and each of my respondents and myself had me scored in this category.  I have to admit that I had to learn to become better at public speaking.  I took a course in undergrad that helped me a lot.  Now that I am grade level chair, and had been an union representative for several years I had to adjust to speaking in public.  I never had a problem speaking to my parents and their families.  I just have to remember to use correct English and try not to speak in slang.

The last category was Listening Styles, for this evaluation I fell in group 1.   Group 1 states,  I am people -oriented, I am empathetic and concerned with the emotions of others.  This listening style helps you build relationships, but it can interfere with proper judgment because you tend to be very trusting of others.  This to me is positive and negative.  I believe you should be empathetic and concerned for others.   The problem I have is when others are not empathetic and concerned about me.  In my personal life this is a struggle, and I have been in several relationships that failed because when I needed reciprocity no one was there.  However, when the tables were turned they expected me to bend forwards and backwards to support them.  In cases like this I eventually end up walking away and ending the relationship. The relationship becomes too stressful and I am usually unhappy.

I have to admit the people that I asked to complete the evaluations knew me better than what I thought they did. Their answers were right on point compared to mine.  This totally surprised me because of their age differences and the capacity  in which they know me.

From this assignment it made me aware about my self concept and the perceptions I have of others.  Your self concept helps determines how you communicate with others and  influence your perceptions of others.  You based your judgments of others on your own experiences. It is something that happens naturally.  Professionally and personally the two helps me realize my strengths and weaknesses, from that I can determine what I need to do to improve my relationships.

Communication and Culture

Throughout my years as an public educator I have been in contact with many families from different countries and various backgrounds.  I believe I communicated with them efficiently. I try to respect everybody differences as unique and even though my view points are different from theirs I never try to impose my opinions on them.  There have been situations where I had to understand different customs and beliefs and do things that challenge me but as a professional I think I did a good job.  For instance, I had to speak to a parent that was Muslim about a situation with her child.  The mother would not talk to me she had to wait until the father came to the school.  For me, this was frustrating because it was something simple that I believed the child needed glasses and I believed that since he could not see correctly that was one of the reasons that he was having trouble in class.   For me that was a simple situation in which I just needed conformation that the child would go to the eye doctor. In my opinion, it was nothing serious that needed to wait until the father came to the school.   In this situation I had to put my own beliefs and perspectives to the side and just wait until the father came.  When I spoke to him I tried not to show my frustration even though I had a sense of curiosity about their customs.  Strategies that I can use to help me communicate more effectively with people are: to learn more about the individuals beliefs and customs.  For the situation above I could read the Koran and talk to a Muslim woman or man and ask questions about their religion practices. Possibly visit a Mosque.

A few months ago my neighbor who is Korean stopped me outside and held a conversation with me.  It was very hard to understand her through her heavy accent and lack of the English language.  I did everything I possible could to try and understand her and she did everything to try and get her message across to me.  Finally, she took out a piece of paper and drew a tree on it that had fallen down.  We both began to laugh because she wanted the name of the tree service that I used to remove the tree that had fallen on my house.  That conversation took us 45 minutes to figure out what she was asking me for.  In this situation the best thing we did was to use pictures to gain needed information.  We have talk since this incident but we used her niece as an interpreter.

Non Verbal Communication

Are We There Yet?

This was the first time that I have watched the sitcom,  Are We There Yet?  It was quite interesting but easy to follow along with even with the sound off.   The setting is based around a family in the beginning the show starts with a woman sitting at a computer looking at a pocketbook on the internet.   It is apparent that she wants the pocketbook but it is expensive.  Her husband pays her no attention he is looking at the mail.  The wife draws in his attention and it is apparent that he is shocked at how much the pocketbook costs.  At the same time their son enters the room, leaves with a piece of mail.  He sits down opens it up and starts dancing as he pulls out a new credit card.   The son appears to be between 10-13 years old.    

So far the son and mother were displaying non verbal skills that showed excitement and happiness. The father looked worried and nonchalant as he is unaware that the both of them have plans on shopping with a new credit card. 

When I watched the show with the sound on I realized that I was right on target.  Except that the husband had plans to purchase the expensive pocketbook for his wife as a surprise gift. When he gave her the gift she smiled, smelled the newness of the bag and walked around the room showing off the bag.  The husband was happy that she was happy but was upset to realize that she had already purchased the bag, and had returned it,  as he found her cell phone in the bag.  Meanwhile, their son was brought home by a neighbor and she gave the father receipts of the purchases he had delivered to her house, that the son had charged on his credit card.  The son tries to run away from his father by jumping on a motorized cart.  However, since the cart does not move that fast the father was able to follow him right out the front door.   At that moment the little boy looked worried and the father was upset.  

Basically from this assignment I realize that body language and all non verbal communication is just as important as verbal.  However, sometimes you can come to the wrong conclusions based solely on non verbal communication skills.  I think this assignment shows that in most cases assumptions can be misleading and it is important to ask questions before you cast judgments on people or situations. 

Competent Communication

I can say I truly admire people that have strong communication skills.  That is not one of my strengths. However, I hope as I continue in this class that I will become more efficient.

The people that I admire are:

Bishop T. D. Jakes-Founder and senior pastor of the Potter's House a non-domination church in Texas. One of the issues that I have with certain ministers, which is the reason why I am not receptive to their message, is because they don’t teach me.  They "preach" the word but I am not able to understand what the message is.  There have been incidents while in church I watch people reactions to the sermon and I know they did not learn anything from it.  Instead they get caught up in the hype and the music and for that moment they are spiritual.   As I watch The Potter’s House, I am able to understand what he is talking about and I believe I learn from his sermons. He is a great public speaker because he is confident, animated and uses real life situations to explain his messages.

Afaa Michael Weaver -author, poet and professor. I met Professor Weaver at Rutgers University he was my Afro-American Literature professor.  I remember loving his class.  He exposed us to so much history and literature that we did not know exists.  He had a strong presence in his class.  You knew he was in total control.  He never raised his voice but was stern. However, he was a great listener.  He always asked us for our opinions and he offered great feedback. His feedback was never negative instead it was guiding to get you to think in a different way.  I remembered an assignment in which we had to read the Invisible Man, for whatever reasons I was unable to understand the significance of the yams.  Years later after I graduated from college, I found him online and asked him to explain the answer to me. He did it with no problem.  I was happy that he cared.  I also attended one of his poetry readings in Philadelphia, it was amazing.  Besides being my first poetry reading, he listened to people opinions about his book. He gained my respect by the way he respected us as students.

Mr. Earl Kights-My former 6th grade teacher, current friend and mentor.  When I was a student in his 6^th grade class I could not stand him.  He was strict, sometimes rude and very boisterous.  However, he was an excellent teacher and he made sure when his students left his class they were above and beyond ready to move on. Maybe his personality is the reason why he taught the top classes.  Our friendship developed by him understanding why I was having difficulties in school.  He found out, from some other source that my mother had passed away the year before I entered his class. I was going through an emotional turmoil and I took my bent up feelings out on anybody and everybody. At that time I was very difficult to handle.  It seems strange now but he was able to get me to open up about my feelings of losing my mom by making me complete the obituary section on a class newspaper. 

From that point on we developed a relationship in which I can depend on him for anything.  He respects me as his daughter.  He is one of the best communicators I know because he listens.  I know there have been several incidences that he could have judge me poorly on.  However, he has always let me learn from my mistakes and when he offer advice or opinions I listen because I know he is speaking from his heart and he has my best interests.  A few years ago, he gave me advice on a situation that I was going through.  He told me to stop making excuses for someone’s behavior. I was shock because I didn’t know that I was doing that.  Just from those few simple words made me change how I viewed the situation and I was able to make the needed changes.

I would love to model some of my communication behaviors after each of these individuals.   Each one demonstrates the confidence of knowing what they are talking about and are not afraid to express their opinions and two are great listeners and offer influential feedback.  One is good at using nonverbal communication and vigor to get their message across.

If you would like to read more about Professor Weaver you can visit his website http://www.afaamweaver.com/

If you would like to view any of Bishop T. D. Jakes sermons you can visit his website http://www.tdjakes.org/bishoptdjakes.html or look him up on you tube.