Just recently I had to deal with a situation with a colleague who happened to be a "friend". I have known this person for at least 15 years and we have worked together off and on at various schools. She is at least 20 years older than me. We would communicate often, attend lunch etc. I considered her a "friend". At this time last year we both started to look into buying a home. One day we ran into each other at the Laundromat. During a general conversation I told her I was looking into condominiums in an area that is considered affluent. Her response was, "They don't want you." I did not respond to her but kept talking like I didn't hear her. Also, at this time she informed me that she was attending a program that once she completed it she would receive a grant that she can use for a down payment towards a house. At that time I told her that the program sounds great and asked could I have the information to see if I qualify too. She never gave me the information. I had asked her several times and each time she refused to give me any information about the program. After that day in the Laundromat my feelings we hurt by her comment that "They don't want me." I felt like she was not being a friend and I didn't fully understand why she behaved that way. Nevertheless, I continued going through the process of buying my first home. There was two places that I always dreamed of living at. One was the condos that were located in the affluent area and the townhouse that I live in now. I decided not to move into the condo because it reminded me of my apartment. I felt like I was placing limits on myself, one out of pride because I wanted to prove something to my "friend" and because I was scared of coming out of my comfort zone. Plus the association fee was crazy. The condo was 2 bedroom 2 bathrooms. My townhouse has 3 bedrooms, 2 1/2 baths, front and backyard, a basement and a den. Both places were the same price. Anyway, for several months, my "friend" had been trying to contact me. I admit I was not answering her calls, emails etc. Part of me did not answer her because I did not want any negativity around me. The ordeal of buying my first house and moving from a place that I had lived in for 18 years was scary, exciting and frustrating enough and I was scared she was going to say something to deter me. Plus, I did not want to be bothered with the issues at that time. However, I knew we were going to eventually run into each other and this past Saturday we did. She asked me what did she do. I explained how I felt and informed her that I did move and am very happy. She apologized and said she didn't mean it that way. She even cried. She also informed me that she tried to inquire about the condos and was told that she did not qualify. That explained her behavior in the Laundromat. However, her situation was not the same as mine. We are in two different income brackets, she is a Paraprofessional. I could have told her ahead of time that she was not going to be able to afford to live there. Anyway, I apologized for ignoring her. We stood around and talked for awhile about different issues with our job. We ended our brief meeting with I'm sorry hugs and kisses. I thought we had ironed out our issues and for me I was done. I gave her my address and phone number and welcomed her over to my house. Well, a week later I got a letter in the mail from her. Saying she did not intentionally mean to hurt me and she is not a jealous or envious person. She declined her invitation to my house and feel that I will always look at her differently. Personally, now I look at her differently because the words jealous or envious never came out of my mouth. As far as I knew the issues were out in the open and we had ironed them out. I felt as if she was trying to throw the blame on me. In my opinion she was not supportive as a friend from the beginning. I think if it was the other way around and she would have moved first she would have been happier.
I would love for your opinions of how you think I should handle this situation.
From our studies this week I believe I need to use the four components of the NVC and the three R's. I say this because it is so much emotions involved with this situation. Eventually we may be able to come to a compromise but at this time I truly doubt it. I say that because if me buying a house caused all this drama, then how can we be friends if we can't celebrate each other successes. If the situation was different I would have help her. We could have walked through the process together. Maybe my realtor would have known other programs that could have benefitted her.
